Shades of Purple

Things You Don't Want To Do But Have To Do

We all have experienced the above (Subject).

The question is, are we lazy or are we afraid to come out of our comfort zone. What was that? Neither? Heheh, that's called "giving excuses". There are things that you should be doing but you don't want to, so you give excuses.

Lame. If i knew that all along, why don't i stop making excuses and start doing what i should be doing. "Shirley, go and prepare for Lahad Datu trip already! Stop wasting time". Well, my mind is shouting but my body is not moving. Impired co-ordination? God forbids.

I'll end this now. I'll proceed with my work. Truth is i'm tired, can't i get a break or something? I don't know if this will work out well. I'm tired of thinking about the outcome and possible problems i might face. I don't even know where i'll be staying in Lahad Datu. Might as well camp around. I'm also short of team members. Plus, I have to do preparation on my own. I wish..well, I have a long wish list for this matter.

Okay, break time over. Getting back to work. 

Floating

Waiting..

Waiting..

I'm tired of it. "Patience is a virtue", the old saying goes, but my patience could not be stretched to infinity. There is a limit to it..

So does my perseverance. I guess, i just have to learn how to keep my cool, keep my head so it won't burst and keep my feet firmly on the ground.

It has been quite a journey. These past few months a lot of things has happened but the journey is not even half over. It's like a long winding road in front of me and i can't see where the destination is. Emotionally drained, physically strained. I wish i could just run away from this burden that i have somehow been obliged to carry. I don't know if this is called responsible, perserverance or stupidity. I can't tell the difference anymore.

However, one thing is for sure. This journey that i have embarked on, if nothing becomes of it, have at least taught me to be strong against blows that would otherwise make me crumble. If i could not go through some hardship, i may not be able to pull through trying times in the future as well. "I'll try, i'll try..", i keep telling myself although somehow things seem impossible. "But you got this far, didn't you? Just carry on a little more and see where it gets you", says this little voice in my head. I can't tell if that's pride or perseverance speaking.

What happens to motivation? Oh, it's still there somewhere. I have to be careful or else i'll lose myself. I'm not okay now but I still have my anchor.. and some friends. I'll be alright I guess, but i still need some Curry.. and of course, where's my salary?!! Aargh, more cause for distress...   

Advent - The Dawn of Christmas

For the first time in 4 years I am in Sabah during the Christmas season. It feels quite good but I guess being at different places does not make much difference to me anymore. Christmas is still Christmas wherever we go although the mood and celebration are not quite the same. Last year I had a memorable Christmas with my friends. Eventhough we were far from our families, we found "family" in each other. We had Advent retreat, carollings, Christmas parties and go for masses together. It was fun and despite our ups and downs, the spirit of Christmas was there to help us bond.

This year I have the privilege of  celebrating Christmas with my parents and siblings. There are no carollings, retreats, or parties for me this year but it is a good thing to know that my family is going to celebrate together without a missing member. Reflecting upon this, I can't help getting the feeling that it's God's will that enables us to come together this Christmas since next year my sister who had just finished her SPM would probably be furthering her studies elsewhere; and who knows where my brother and I would be next year.

Yesterday my parents dropped by at my place in KK and I followed them to my aunt's house before going shopping in the evening. Initially I was planning to go for confession in the afternoon but it turns out i got the wrong time info and I couldn't make it for the next session at 6.30pm. This made me wonder if it is okay not to be able to go for confession especially during this advent season. The funny thing is i couldn't think of sins to confess of when i was on my way to confession (not that i did not commit any sins, i just couldn't remember) but when i couldn't make it I started to feel guilty for not being able to go for confession. Funny it seems but shouldn't i feel guilty about my sins rather than not being able to make it for confession? Come to think of it, do I think of confession as a compulsory routine before Christmas that I have to feel guilty for not making it? A question to reflect and ponder upon..

 

This year has been all about changes and turning points - writing a thesis and presenting in a symposium, experiencing a hospital working environment during practical, graduating, working full-time and part-time, being jobless (haha), going for interviews and getting a job in a new environment, moving out and moving in, meeting new people and experiencing new things. It hasn't been all smooth sailing. There were moments of uncertainties, disappointments, and a lot other indescribable feelings. However, I thank God for where I am today and for the faith He has blessed my family with. I thank Him for the gift of support from relatives and friends and for the time I had been able to share with loved ones whom I rarely had time to spend with. I had not been great all the year through but I tried my best and although my best is sometimes probably not enough, I hope I let God help me do the right things.

As for Christmas, it teaches me another new meaning this year.

I went to Gaya street last night with my parents and sister. There happened to be a fair in Gaya Street and an inter-church christmas celebration. We browsed through all the stalls and happened to pass by a booth set up by the youths organizing Sabah Youth Day 2. I stopped my mom and went through the crowds to get my dad and my sister. We went to the booth and, although we couldn't help much, bought two notebooks that they were selling for their fund-raising. It felt good that although I probably couldn't join SYD-2, I could play a little part in contributing for the event. There were also groups of choir singing Christmas carols, dancers and musicians, etc. I wasn't there from beginning til end but nevertheless I slowly began to feel the mood of Christmas season, which dawns a bit late for me this year. Just hearing people greeting you "Merry Christmas!" in a friendly way reminds me that Christmas can be beautiful no matter where you are. Oh yes, it is beautiful because Jesus is the Reason of the Season. 

I LIKE!

I recommend the soundtracks of Korean movies "200 Pounds Beauty" and "Seducing Mr Perfect" (^_^).

The former offers a great rendition of Maria and other feel good, light hearted songs while the latter comes up with a jazzy sound. Both are in my "feel good" list v(^_^)v

My favourite songs in the tracks?

200 lbs Beauty: "Maria", "Beautiful Girl", "Byul", "Superstar"

Seducing Mr Perfect: "Kissing Me", Track 4, Track 8 and Track 17 (well the Korean titles are long hehe so lazy to type)

I think most Korean movies and dramas come up with nice soundtracks but i usually like only a number of songs. However, these two manage to attract me with most if not all of the songs lined up. The movies are not bad either (^_^)

Oh by the way, I have the link to download 200 Pounds Beauty Soundtrack pasted on the Media section of my profile. Cheers!

Love and passion

My favourite things (in random order). Let me see..

1. Mom and Dad (oh of course God goes before them hehe but i love them both so much, thank you Lord!)

2. My siblings

3. My full time good friend, close confidante and comforter anytime, anywhere..

4. My God-given Life

5. Books; especially motivational and inspirational books

6. Memories and experiences; especially the happy ones and those that made a turning point in my life

7. Positive and inspiring people

8. Friends who genuinely care about me and have faith in me (These are rare nowadays)

9. My active and imaginative mind (although an active mind is not always good for me because i think and worry more than necessary, they allow me a temporary escape from the real world when i need to relax)

10. Music - which heals, inspires, and lift up my spirit. Sometimes just listening to music can bring me a heart-wrenching experience, totally out-of-this-world. (I feel like listening to Frank Sinatra or anything from the swinging 60s at the moment hm call me classic or old-school i don't care)

11. Food (heaven! Jeez, i'm terrible)

12. Nice shoes and clothes (Well.. i'm normal)

13. Watching movies (give me something light hearted or mind stimulating; as long as it's not too boring or too emotional i'm game)

14. Electronics! (Sleek phones, audio player, digicam, laptops, etc... Hey, I live in a technology savvy era!)

15. Magazines. Be it female or male mags, as long as it contains interesting information.

16. Culture and places. Interesting places and their local people. I also have a thing for historical sites and buildings. I like to imagine how a place looks like 20, 50, 100+ years ago and how the people were like (clothes they wear, how they speak, society, hairstyles, values, etc.) e.g. KL before merdeka and without skyscrapers; special interest in my hometown and origin of races.

17. Good products that make my skin feel good (right now it's my cleanser, essence and serum)

18. Hair! I love getting new haircuts or just visiting the hair salon for a pampering hair wash.

19. Feet and shoulder massage.

20. Nice pillow to hug and cool blanket to snuggle into (except if i'm in cold places i'd prefer warm).

Hmm which reminds me, I need some sleep now. Have been tired working the whole day. Pillow, here I come!..

P/S listing down my favourite things does make me feel good. You all should try it (^_^) it's a good pick-up when you're feeling down. At least i know there are still some things that matter.

To be continued someday!

From water to friendships

Someone closed the main pipe in front of my house causing us to have no water supply the whole day. We thought the water supply was cut off when we found out in the evening that it was the main pipe. I don't know if i'm furious or what. I'm incapable of emotions right now.

Honestly speaking i don't have that much faith in friendship. Maybe i have gone through experiences that were not so beautiful. I never particularly had a bestfriend. Fortunately i do have some close friends. I noticed that as we grow up our circle of friends become smaller. Come to think about it, it's not that we had more friends when we were little but as one grows older one learns to differentiate between friends and acquaintances, real friends and "not so real" friends. Children make friends easily because they have one thing that most of us have either lost or forgotten: Innocence. As "adults" being innocent is usually regarded as equal to being naive or not knowing anything. In fact most people's first impression or interpretation of "Innocence" is not so close to what it really is about.

I find children's innocence a beautiful thing. Innocence means being pure of heart and mind. A child would not harbour any bad impressions about anyone he/she calls "friend". A child's friendship is suncere and unconditional. Of course children fight but they forget about it almost as soon as they started it. They resume living the next day as if they never fight before.

Children are also honest. When they don't like something or someone they say it straightforwardly or at least they would show it through their gestures and expressions. How i envy children. You don't see children backstabbing or bad mouthing a friend to another friend.

Of course, I may not be right in all my perspectives but sometimes i do find myself tired of (interpersonal) relationships and feel like being on my own for a bit. However, i did learn a few things: adult friendships can also be rewarding and carry a much deeper meaning than a simple childhood friendship. Sure it hurts sometimes and there are times you feel like you somehow don't have anyone to talk to (although you seem like you have a lot of friends) but this is where you find out who your real friends are.

Now here is the tough part: what if you know who your friends are but you still don't have anyone to talk to? Turn to your family or your closest relative. When all else fails, I guess I still have one faithful listener: Jesus. Looks like I still have a bestfriend (^_^)

Revelation

Now I know I'm a boring person. Isn't that interesting huhu..

A sick persone's entry..

"I hate myself today..tired..i want to stop being "Shirley" awhile and just relax listening to the music". I'm still thinking what made me send that sms this evening as i was on my way back from work. (Of course, i'm not really working..just a temporary attachment). Well, i don't even know what i meant. I can't stop being who i am right?

But i really did feel tired today. Not only physically but also mentally, spiritually? I have been feeling uneasy and uncomfortable lately as if i want to shed my skin and get out of myself..I'm tired of myself, which i shouldn't be at all. I don't know why when I try to act like myself i somehow don't feel like myself at all; and when i stop acting as i usually do i feel as if i'm suppressing myself. Maybe i lack of self acceptance that i just don't like myself the way i am? Well, who's the number one promoter of the self-lover, self-motivator, self-dependent attitude?..Not me, but i certainly agree with 60% of that attitude plus 40% humility, a person wouldn't be that selfish or selfless..Then what's my problem?.. Maybe i'm tired or maybe i'm just trying too hard..

I can't sleep the other night. I was saying my prayers before going to sleep and i suddenly start "thinking" too much right after. It was the same old disturbing thoughts, ideas and imaginations about creation, God's existence, man's existence and reality; and the purpose of life and creation. Do you know the egg and chicken riddle? Well, it's  something like that.. I haven't had those thoughts for ages. I thought I've fought them off and washed them out of my system for good. They always got me scared, guilty, confused.. but last night it was like a sudden shot into into my brain and heart that i ended up having a headache, tight chest and i was breathing heavily i couldn't sleep..i calmed down after that though.. I sounded as if i'm stupid or going crazy right?..Well, not many people would think that i could get into such state.. and every Sunday I recite "I believe in God..creator of heaven and earth.." Forgive me Lord for the times I seem to have lack of belief in You..

Today I asked Mr James for my Serum Iron test result. He forgot about it haha just like what i expected. I guess i'll have to wait till monday. One good thing about doing attachment in the Pathology Department at the hospital is that i could run tests with my own blood, urine samples etc. Of course, not all tests could be done easily without doctor's indication or authorities' permission. Some tests uses expensive reagents or equipments and therefore enables limited quantities and done less frequently (non-routine). I've to run iron test because the other day my full blood count result shows i have low MCH and MCV and a slightly low Hb count. It was indicated below the results that I was under microcytic anemia (my red blood cells are smaller than average). They had me check for thalassemia, which all turned out to be negative but doesn't necessary rule out alpha thalassemia carrier trait (For that i had to take another blood sample for the staff to send to IMR, KL for DNA analysis). Besides that i was also asked to check my iron level.

Hmm funny, i thought i always eat balanced proportions and even took supplements.. I wonder whether all those fatigability and heavy breathing i seem to experience somehow sooner than others during training in high school were due to this condition. Maybe i have always had microcytic RBC just that i wasn't aware about it.. or maybe it's just due to menstruation more than a week ago.. but that was quite some time so it shouldn't affect much right? Anyway, i'm not about to start worrying over levels that are not much lower than normal;  my Hb is only 11.9 so it's still ok. I'll just have to wait till my mom comes to KK to explain the details since i can't have her worrying when I call and say, "hi mom, my blood test result says i'm anemic" ;P Goodnight.

Attack of The Varicella-zoster...

4 weeks of practical has passed. I still have 6 weeks to go. There's a lot to learn in the hospital but I've lost 1 whole week tho' huhu. My 4th week is spent boring myself away at "home" (a.k.a my aunt's house) and falling behind on my practical schedule. All thanks to Varicella-zoster. Yep, that's none other than chickenpox virus.. what a nice name huh, Varicella..

Looking at the bright side of it: at least next time i won't get the disease so easily anymore. They say you only get it once in your life, or at least the 2nd time won't be as bad as the 1st time. I don't wish to get it for the 2nd time though. Fancy getting chickenpox during practical. Well, who would've thought I catch it at this time. My mom called the other day and said how lucky I am to be in Sabah and not in KL or Shah Alam. If I were in S.A I'd have to look after myself. I guess she's right but when she asked me to "enjoy the experience" and "take a picture".. hahahaha well... How do you expect me to smile and say cheese when I feel sick and terrible huahua.. I don't know if my mom was trying to make a joke but she sounded quite serious about the picture part haha..

Luckily I didn't get chills and fever, which my aunt and grandma said are the usual symptoms of chickenpox (yep now we're learning, doing actual practical and case study ;p ). However, the first symptoms that appeared was headache, followed by lower-backache on the next day. There was probably a mild rise in temperature but I don't really feel feverish. I had a few spots coming out on my arms n back, which suggested of chickenpox but I still felt very much healthy until the backache striked and my aunt took me to the doctor because I couldn't stand still more than 30 seconds at church.. it hurts! Doc confirmed it was chickenpox 'cos he could see that it's started even in my tonsils but i'm still wondering about the backache... aunt said that it probably hurts because the virus also attacks the organs (now that's something that concerns me). No wonder "molohing" (a.k.a elder people) like my grandma would advise u not to "kena angin" huhu..they say the sickness would be kept inside your body if u get cold so it's better to let it all (i.e the spots) to come out.

Anyway, I'm getting better now all thanks to my grandma, aunt and uncle, cousins. Of course I have to take medicine (antiviral tablets) 5 times a day at regular interval hours huhu. Mind you, it's tiring counting the hours and not forgetting waking up at 4am just to take a tablet but I've no choice if i want to get better do I? Luckily my aunt's a staff nurse at the hospital so she could get the antiviral tablets for free at the hospital. Otherwise, i would've to pay an expensive price for it at the private clinic. Oops..it's time to take my med again, two tablets left yeah..

Celebrating (Surviving?) the First Month of 2007

I've been going to college less these days. No, not because I'm skipping class but because we only have 3 subjects this final semester and only the subject Co-curriculum has classes plus the Medical Diagnostic presentations session once a week, the third subject being Research Project II. Imagine, no class but we still have exams for MD haha.. my mid semester exam was really an experience.  At least we had the Ekplorasi KUTPM project to add to our final marks in Co-cum.. Now that was quite fun although it was tiring.. that was the only time you could see students of our batch running around together..I think at least 1/3 of us never knew each other's names hehe..

Anyway, I feel so like a lazy bum these days because we have less classes although we still have so much paper works to do at home. My sleeping pattern has totally gone yo-yo until I feel dizzy at times. I thought I was imagining illusions of a cow in the middle of the college last Wednesday..hahaha it turned out to be a REAL COW, sitting on the small patch of grass the college people called "field" *LOL*. A cow in KUTPM. What on earth was the cow doing there anyway? Somebody tied it onto a post at the edge of the field hahahahahahaha... I nearly took pictures of it. *lol* as if i never saw a cow before, silly.. we get plenty of that in kampung where my grandparents live..yup, the roads are covered with cow-shits hehe.. You don't need tar :D ..Okay, that was an exaggeration hehe.. but did anyone see the cow in college that day? Who brought the cow there? (Cheh sakai betul haha) Okay, i should go to sleep now. It's 4am. Yesterday i blissfully experimented with SPSS until I heard the Azan..oops.. wouldn't want to repeat that today, it's as good as not sleeping at all. Signing off..